A letter sent to my brother, Saravanan Sadeperam on July the 15th 2005: anyway, this letter didn’t change anything… yet, it was an episode in my life… when I read it now, after a year, some how the letter made me laugh although it was the genuineness and the exact way how I felt back then.
Hi anna (big bro in Tamil)!! How are you getting on?? I hope u r fine. Well, looks like things at home are not that pretty good... To me, I'm just going to hope for the best and stay calm... I don't think so I really got to react to this... though it’s our brother and we all r trying to save him... because I think shouldn't. Being the youngest in the family and I just want to go with the flow...
The reason I am mailing you this… is regarding my studies. As all of u guys know, I am having a massive problem with my studies... and I have been seeing failure and disappointments throughout my so called life… nothing eventually fine had happen so far in my life(as studies as concern)...Honestly I’m going through HELL with my studies as well as personal life... by the way; both are connected in some way.
Well, the very first mistake I committed was, insisting myself n being stubborn (for the first time ever regarding something that I never had thought about it before) so that everyone will allow me go to Brunei... my 'kaalikalam'(dreadful time of my life) started... everything was gone for good from then onwards.. by the way I was not a bright student after all here in Malaysia, BUT at least I was doing moderately and my life was ok due to that.. at least I was getting good grades.
The very next major mistake (sin) I committed is decided to do A-levels!!! Seriously I never wanted to do this course… I knew A-levels was a living hell after thinking all those grades I got for my O-levels and I DID tell appa(father), that I am willing to do ANY course EXCEPT A-levels! Somehow, and I just don’t know HOW, Mrs.Sujatha came into the scene and convinced me ( I know its stupid but I was helpless from the pressure beem exerted to me from all side) and we all didn't know about any other pre-uni course then, I reluctantly agreed… at that point, the destruction of my life went from bad to worse…
Well, at beginning, SURPISINGLY, I was a moderate student BUT got worsen since the level of the studies was getting more advance and advance(then I realize why it is known as advanced level). Do u know I was the highest biology scorer in the whole A-levels at the beginning? ‘EXCITINGLY’, all shattered after that. I really thought I could handle (honestly) but every time I am determined to do things… I start off well… pretty well and middle of the way I get stuck… tremble and ‘fall’ down. By the time I realize, everything will be terrible late... I really should have taken some other subjects for the course... but I was strong-minded in doing science subjects since they were the better results I had... “BETTER” in the sense of among other subjects… they were the only ones I manage to do a bit better..I still had hope however everything I attempt results in failure and frustration. I was terribly heart broken since I started A-levels… and I realize it was not a joke…
Everything, in fact ANYTHING I do did end in a GREAT FAILURE... before stepping into the world of A-levels I never had ever faced such a horrible situation. It is a fact that I cant work at home (studying). I just cannot do anything at home, but I really work hard at college. Sometimes I get so bored and fed-up with myself and life. After so much of hardwork and the results I get in return... is what I totally couldn’t tolerate… but I just don’t know why, even until now I never cried thinking of that or revealed my wariness to anyone but it upsets me a lot… too much to be exact. After screwing up my damn AS exams so poorly... I really didn't know what the hell to do and how to react after that exam.
Later somehow a “so called miracle” happened. I don’t know what I was thinking of and “PLANNED” to prove myself that I can do better by repeating the semester… I was so single-minded and really wanted to put effort… yet, sincerely my lecturers supported me... but later, things were not to my expectation. Repeating the same damn “thing” was even harder than the first time… therefore my prediction was wrong again!!! Well, I finished my exams and now I am continuing with my A2 syllabus…seriously this A2 is a living hell to me… I’m trying to do something about it but I just so helpless... everyday after class, when I reach home, I’m exhausted, helpless and worried thinking about my studies.. I am really giving up everything... (To be specific) I GAVE UP! I had ENOUGH toiling myself to be a better person!!
Right now I have totally NO interest in anything at all - its true anna, even music, movie, food and etc... I’m totally outdated n jus couldn't be bothered bout anything. The ‘renovation cum wedding thingy’ came in though that affected me badly since I was having my finals! The wedding cheered up me so brightly... I was beyond the limit of extreme ECSTASY... Though the fear of studies was there in me- haunting me eventually, but I was far too happy about what is happening in our house-for the first time!!
But now the celebration is over and I want to start a new life but it was a flop… TOTAL FLOP!! and I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Well, my concentration in my studies was better after the holidays but I just can’t... I am having some kind of phobia with my studies... I don't want to study A-levels. It made me feel like I’m losing the ‘battle’ and wasting my time and money and I’m so scared of it. But anna, I want to achieve something… something really BIG like what amma (mother) tells me- be a lawyer. Well, I did look through the course looks pretty interesting though.But right now I am not capable of doing anything.
Honestly anna, I want to vanish somewhere. JUST for a while.. I just don't want to see, meet or contact anyone for a while... want to be isolated and find a new life... I am not sure whether to consider this as I am running away from problems... but I just want u to understand that I just cannot take the pressure... I want to recover from this horrible depression (I don’t need a psychologist to help me... I only have my brother saravanan sadaperam)… I am extremely sure that none of u or others noticed the depression in me. In this problem, I think I’m kind of a good actress. I really can look happy, no one can deny that. I just don’t know why that I don't tell the truth about anything to anyone. I just carry on saying that I am ‘fine' and 'ok', I was so depressed of my failures and I didn't attempt few stupid things(its true).. But you see, being and seeing the living example of my wonderful family and u stopped me... the word –YOU-, means you.. You, the supreme saravanan ever. Don’t ever thing I am buttering you or else. But honestly I’m feeling damn guilty facing you all the time when you came down for the wedding... you really touched my heart, anna, you really did. I seriously changed my thoughts over you. I have been a bad sister towards you -maybe without me realizing- I really have so much regards, respect and love towards u but I never even dreamed of showing it off u to and I don’t know why… maybe because I was hurt by you... but I don’t.. you care so much for me and dreaming of me achieving something big all the time but I never made that come true.. I am so fed up with myself. I truly need all my brothers...
well, ask anyone at home.. I did change.. I just can’t get angry anymore. Anyone can scold me n I jus keep quiet, even when Kumaran anna quarreled with me and yet I was calm. Senthil anna blasts me almost everyday, saying that I don’t study and I do everything else that studying, (which is true anyway), and I’m pretty sure u know how Senthil anna talks right?? And amma, don’t have to say bout her. At last she said that I’m good for nothing. Don’t study, dun do house chores n don’t care about anything.. but I didn't cry or react... because I really deserve it… even if u were here. I’m sure u had slapped me by now. But they don’t understand what I’m going through.. “THEY” don't have to. Even I didn't n dare not tell them anything...
But anna you should know that I really love this family a lot. You know, when we all took the family photo on the wedding day on the stage... for a second, I truly thought that for this family- I will do anything just to be part of the wonderful bond. I really love u guys so much and I keep on flipping all the photographs taken during the celebration daily. And I really DON'T want to be cause to shatter or dishonor this family. As u all know, I have done enough damage to spoil the family's pride and dignity by jus screwing up in my studies… don’t ever think I forgotten what happen during my stay at Brunei with appa.. I know he was extremely embarrassed caused by me.
Don't even thing what ever think that I think that all my doing is right, for your kind information, that I do know I’m doing something terribly wrong but I just cant help it and right now, I’m so numb till I cant feel anything and now- don’t know what’s the solution, but right now I’m thinking of quitting A-levels and take a break, not a long one nor short.. but just a break from everything. I jus want to vanish for a while anna. I just can’t take it. I want to go somewhere.. JUST for a while anna.. I want to recover and be refreshed. And then I want to start my new life. Right now, I can’t think of a place and I dun have any cash at all..
Sorry to say this anna.. I’m requesting you.. Can I come and stay with you for a while if you r ok bout the whole thing? I think I really need help.. I don’t want to go and stay wit appa for timing.. I don’t know where to go and trust.. Please anna think bout it.. Look, I don’t want anyone to know this whole thing I jus told you.. please anna.. I need someone that I cant trust and rely on.. I need help. If u r planning to talk bout this.. I’m serious begging u, DON'T call and talk bout this matter. If u want to talk.. please e-mail me.. I think I respond better in e-mails.. please, think bout it.. I’m so helpless.. just for your info..None in our family knows about what I’m going through.. help me if u can.. just in case u cant, leave it.. but please don’t think of telling anyone bout this.. even appa or senthil.. well, if u do.. just don't think I am blackmailing u.. but jus think about.. Anna, im sorry, I know there's lots of conflict u r facing and at this time, I am troubling.. but I seriously dun have choice.. and I think the best and only person I cant talk bout this is 2 u.. not even any outsider.. think bout it..
Tc..Bye
P/s: pls dun mind my language and horrible grammar..
Hi anna (big bro in Tamil)!! How are you getting on?? I hope u r fine. Well, looks like things at home are not that pretty good... To me, I'm just going to hope for the best and stay calm... I don't think so I really got to react to this... though it’s our brother and we all r trying to save him... because I think shouldn't. Being the youngest in the family and I just want to go with the flow...
The reason I am mailing you this… is regarding my studies. As all of u guys know, I am having a massive problem with my studies... and I have been seeing failure and disappointments throughout my so called life… nothing eventually fine had happen so far in my life(as studies as concern)...Honestly I’m going through HELL with my studies as well as personal life... by the way; both are connected in some way.
Well, the very first mistake I committed was, insisting myself n being stubborn (for the first time ever regarding something that I never had thought about it before) so that everyone will allow me go to Brunei... my 'kaalikalam'(dreadful time of my life) started... everything was gone for good from then onwards.. by the way I was not a bright student after all here in Malaysia, BUT at least I was doing moderately and my life was ok due to that.. at least I was getting good grades.
The very next major mistake (sin) I committed is decided to do A-levels!!! Seriously I never wanted to do this course… I knew A-levels was a living hell after thinking all those grades I got for my O-levels and I DID tell appa(father), that I am willing to do ANY course EXCEPT A-levels! Somehow, and I just don’t know HOW, Mrs.Sujatha came into the scene and convinced me ( I know its stupid but I was helpless from the pressure beem exerted to me from all side) and we all didn't know about any other pre-uni course then, I reluctantly agreed… at that point, the destruction of my life went from bad to worse…
Well, at beginning, SURPISINGLY, I was a moderate student BUT got worsen since the level of the studies was getting more advance and advance(then I realize why it is known as advanced level). Do u know I was the highest biology scorer in the whole A-levels at the beginning? ‘EXCITINGLY’, all shattered after that. I really thought I could handle (honestly) but every time I am determined to do things… I start off well… pretty well and middle of the way I get stuck… tremble and ‘fall’ down. By the time I realize, everything will be terrible late... I really should have taken some other subjects for the course... but I was strong-minded in doing science subjects since they were the better results I had... “BETTER” in the sense of among other subjects… they were the only ones I manage to do a bit better..I still had hope however everything I attempt results in failure and frustration. I was terribly heart broken since I started A-levels… and I realize it was not a joke…
Everything, in fact ANYTHING I do did end in a GREAT FAILURE... before stepping into the world of A-levels I never had ever faced such a horrible situation. It is a fact that I cant work at home (studying). I just cannot do anything at home, but I really work hard at college. Sometimes I get so bored and fed-up with myself and life. After so much of hardwork and the results I get in return... is what I totally couldn’t tolerate… but I just don’t know why, even until now I never cried thinking of that or revealed my wariness to anyone but it upsets me a lot… too much to be exact. After screwing up my damn AS exams so poorly... I really didn't know what the hell to do and how to react after that exam.
Later somehow a “so called miracle” happened. I don’t know what I was thinking of and “PLANNED” to prove myself that I can do better by repeating the semester… I was so single-minded and really wanted to put effort… yet, sincerely my lecturers supported me... but later, things were not to my expectation. Repeating the same damn “thing” was even harder than the first time… therefore my prediction was wrong again!!! Well, I finished my exams and now I am continuing with my A2 syllabus…seriously this A2 is a living hell to me… I’m trying to do something about it but I just so helpless... everyday after class, when I reach home, I’m exhausted, helpless and worried thinking about my studies.. I am really giving up everything... (To be specific) I GAVE UP! I had ENOUGH toiling myself to be a better person!!
Right now I have totally NO interest in anything at all - its true anna, even music, movie, food and etc... I’m totally outdated n jus couldn't be bothered bout anything. The ‘renovation cum wedding thingy’ came in though that affected me badly since I was having my finals! The wedding cheered up me so brightly... I was beyond the limit of extreme ECSTASY... Though the fear of studies was there in me- haunting me eventually, but I was far too happy about what is happening in our house-for the first time!!
But now the celebration is over and I want to start a new life but it was a flop… TOTAL FLOP!! and I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Well, my concentration in my studies was better after the holidays but I just can’t... I am having some kind of phobia with my studies... I don't want to study A-levels. It made me feel like I’m losing the ‘battle’ and wasting my time and money and I’m so scared of it. But anna, I want to achieve something… something really BIG like what amma (mother) tells me- be a lawyer. Well, I did look through the course looks pretty interesting though.But right now I am not capable of doing anything.
Honestly anna, I want to vanish somewhere. JUST for a while.. I just don't want to see, meet or contact anyone for a while... want to be isolated and find a new life... I am not sure whether to consider this as I am running away from problems... but I just want u to understand that I just cannot take the pressure... I want to recover from this horrible depression (I don’t need a psychologist to help me... I only have my brother saravanan sadaperam)… I am extremely sure that none of u or others noticed the depression in me. In this problem, I think I’m kind of a good actress. I really can look happy, no one can deny that. I just don’t know why that I don't tell the truth about anything to anyone. I just carry on saying that I am ‘fine' and 'ok', I was so depressed of my failures and I didn't attempt few stupid things(its true).. But you see, being and seeing the living example of my wonderful family and u stopped me... the word –YOU-, means you.. You, the supreme saravanan ever. Don’t ever thing I am buttering you or else. But honestly I’m feeling damn guilty facing you all the time when you came down for the wedding... you really touched my heart, anna, you really did. I seriously changed my thoughts over you. I have been a bad sister towards you -maybe without me realizing- I really have so much regards, respect and love towards u but I never even dreamed of showing it off u to and I don’t know why… maybe because I was hurt by you... but I don’t.. you care so much for me and dreaming of me achieving something big all the time but I never made that come true.. I am so fed up with myself. I truly need all my brothers...
well, ask anyone at home.. I did change.. I just can’t get angry anymore. Anyone can scold me n I jus keep quiet, even when Kumaran anna quarreled with me and yet I was calm. Senthil anna blasts me almost everyday, saying that I don’t study and I do everything else that studying, (which is true anyway), and I’m pretty sure u know how Senthil anna talks right?? And amma, don’t have to say bout her. At last she said that I’m good for nothing. Don’t study, dun do house chores n don’t care about anything.. but I didn't cry or react... because I really deserve it… even if u were here. I’m sure u had slapped me by now. But they don’t understand what I’m going through.. “THEY” don't have to. Even I didn't n dare not tell them anything...
But anna you should know that I really love this family a lot. You know, when we all took the family photo on the wedding day on the stage... for a second, I truly thought that for this family- I will do anything just to be part of the wonderful bond. I really love u guys so much and I keep on flipping all the photographs taken during the celebration daily. And I really DON'T want to be cause to shatter or dishonor this family. As u all know, I have done enough damage to spoil the family's pride and dignity by jus screwing up in my studies… don’t ever think I forgotten what happen during my stay at Brunei with appa.. I know he was extremely embarrassed caused by me.
Don't even thing what ever think that I think that all my doing is right, for your kind information, that I do know I’m doing something terribly wrong but I just cant help it and right now, I’m so numb till I cant feel anything and now- don’t know what’s the solution, but right now I’m thinking of quitting A-levels and take a break, not a long one nor short.. but just a break from everything. I jus want to vanish for a while anna. I just can’t take it. I want to go somewhere.. JUST for a while anna.. I want to recover and be refreshed. And then I want to start my new life. Right now, I can’t think of a place and I dun have any cash at all..
Sorry to say this anna.. I’m requesting you.. Can I come and stay with you for a while if you r ok bout the whole thing? I think I really need help.. I don’t want to go and stay wit appa for timing.. I don’t know where to go and trust.. Please anna think bout it.. Look, I don’t want anyone to know this whole thing I jus told you.. please anna.. I need someone that I cant trust and rely on.. I need help. If u r planning to talk bout this.. I’m serious begging u, DON'T call and talk bout this matter. If u want to talk.. please e-mail me.. I think I respond better in e-mails.. please, think bout it.. I’m so helpless.. just for your info..None in our family knows about what I’m going through.. help me if u can.. just in case u cant, leave it.. but please don’t think of telling anyone bout this.. even appa or senthil.. well, if u do.. just don't think I am blackmailing u.. but jus think about.. Anna, im sorry, I know there's lots of conflict u r facing and at this time, I am troubling.. but I seriously dun have choice.. and I think the best and only person I cant talk bout this is 2 u.. not even any outsider.. think bout it..
Tc..Bye
P/s: pls dun mind my language and horrible grammar..
posted by ~LaaYamU PaRaM~ at
8:20 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home