CLUSTERRED AND SHATTERED

a very unexpected twist... perhaps its gonna affect my life as well... the only trust i had all this while is for my DURGA MA.... n the her PA- swami algates... n KABOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!! HE DIED all of a sudden on the 12th may 2010...

well actually i was never directly linked to him or got his assistance... he was my hope... we all were very braved n confident cuz knw he wil b ter all the time since he was immortal... seekin his help n advise made things meaningful for my brothers... but now... it was a shock... n im totally upset... totally... unbelievably shocked n im so down... i feel so shiatz... been hardly sleepin... daily been sleepin bout 3-4hrs... n yet not sleeepy nor tired nor zombie like... n stil tears din shed frm me.. i wonder y... swami was my best buddy... we were frens plus we din actually met often... i regret now.. he wanted me to visit..i din... i supossed b goin to his temple... i din... he wanted to get me married.. i din... i was an all time ass!! thanks zoonizaara...

n the best part.. jus before his death.. i was feelin so insecure... creating hatred for loved ones... felt like my best gurl n sloth being like a realtime jerk...
i was neglected in a flash of a second... i was totally down due to tat n ive started to show the actually moody shitty side of me.. n tryin to find a place far a away frm everyone so tat i can scream my lungs off... family... jobless.... bf...bg.. all these frustratin factors was rippin me apart n ta-da SWAMI died... how dramatic tat can ever get in my life???

im jus being mum... thx tv... cuz u sux too... i can believe cimb freaked the hell out of me til i jus cant tink of workin again.. yet i so badly wan to..
i wana get a job wit the interview part skipped... im so nervous bout goin to work...
PHOBIA nak mampus..

i gez il b turnin psycho very soon.. but im so confused bout one thing... is the prb is cuz of ppl surrounded me or ME MYSELF??? ges the 2nd option sounds rite...
wats wrong wit me?? y cant i take things easy??? y cant love my life wic is so quite n nice... y?? y the fcuk i gotta things to complain all the time?? y is that im nver satisfied?? y is that nothin in tis whole wide world can make me happy??? i eventually forgot went ta last i was happy n genuinely laughed n smiled... how pathetic is can be...

the funniest thing tat happend tis week after my class... dad dun wan me to drive the car alone to class cuz its not safe on the road??? omg!!!!!!! the stupidest statement ever.. WTF wit everyone around me??? all my life ive travellin alone n all of a sudden.. jus goin to clas can b dangerous? how possible is tat??
i cant go out.. i dun haf my space at home... n i cant b on fon for long.. enna kodumai ithu!!

desprado... u r my saviour.. i tink i reli wanna get the hel out of here n pursue my studies.. even tat i wana work 1st b4 i chow oout....
sloth... its becomin a chapter... i haf no say or predict bout it... let it b as it is... im so unpredictable in every shit of my life...

durga ma... cuz swami is not around.. PLS PLS PLS dun neglect me.. i swear i dun haf the enrgy to stay mad forever...

21/05/2010

ENNA KODUMAI ITHU!!!!!!!!!!!

wats wrong wit me? is tis the reason y i was waitin for al these years? y i behavin like tis?

i reli tink sloth deserves a better life than goin thru a hell wit me.. no man can live wit me... im tellin tis to u sloth.. im not a good gurl.. im a extremely big ball of confusion... not confident... dunno wat it means by true love... dunno wat my sloths worth... dun appreciate n respct me.. gosh!! wat kinda gurl i am...


y sloth loves me so much? y am i writin tis blog after almost 10 glasses of liquor??? so like melodramatic tamil movie.... i stil dun accept tis as a love failure.. i stil cant believe myself that im endin the most beautiful thing tat had happend in my life... i met the sweetest person in my life n now im bein the most cruel person in sloths life.. sure im gonna pay so much for tis..


my heart is so heavy... y am i not trustin anyone in my life.. y am i like tis?



Why did you come into my life my dear Will you vanish like a mirage Night is the time when everyone sleeps But thats the time for me to wet the pillows with tears.

its a one way ticket to the heartbreak city... n i gave him ta ticket wit great pleasure.. i wonder wat sort of hell he is goin true.. pity him but i haf no choice... sorry da my kanzkutty...



my life is so much like vtv... haha.. isnt tat stupid.. me myself comparin myself wit a damn movie... well tat fcuked movie has so much similarity wit me n sloth... the song maanipaya as well.. haha... wtf??????? kadalinil meenaaga irundhavaL naan unakkena karai thaandi vandhavaL dhaan thudithirundhen tharaiyinile thirumbivittEn en kadalidame........♥


oru naaL sirithEn, maru naaL veruthEn unai naan kollaamal kondru pudhaithEnE mannipaaya mannipaaya..........


dai sloth... to b honest...i reli like tis pain.. u have to let me go...


i dunno weter u understand my feeling but u jus got to let me go....


sloth u r my varam but im lettin u go....

im jus not ta person..... u shud realise it....

im not te lucky one....



im such a coward n hopeless...


i dunno weter tis is official or not.. but one thing for sure im not able to take tis in future... sloth deserves a much more better person in life.. sumone who can b part of his progress... ever since sloth loved me... his life is in a huge mess.... shiatz!!1



i cant proceed... no heart for tat.. im heartless



such a bad creature.. cruel one too...

DISASTER BEGINS....

how could stoth say that to me? do i appear that murah? what i did? is the wat i get for being genuine n too much in love with... im so frustrated wit everything around me now... i jus cant stop cryin ever since 20th june 2009... til today... 23rd... almost midnite... i shud be happy actually... my goddess is back frm labuan.. i was extremely happy.. only for six hrs.. n then sloth said sumthin reli unbearable n acceptable.. i stil cant breathe.... tat word... my gosh... i feel like im dead... how could he? n the best part... he dun remember at all... wow i so badly cant believe tat...

dai chella y da? wat i did da? it is wrong to be happy for a lil while? y da? i reli cant bear it da.. if u had the tot of marryin me.. u wudnt haf said tat.. but tat clearly it came frm ur heart.... im so dead now...

i regret n i hate... y he said tat??

looks like this gonna end... im scared but i cant carry on....

he shouldnt had said tat me... sloth tellin me... i cant stop cryin...
is tis wat the love he had for me all the while?

how can anger overcome one's love? which is bigger n stronger? y am i attacked frm all side? feel like in a air tight dark box.

thurga ma... im confused...

23rd june 2009 11.57pm

i so badly go puke now!!!




n thats so cuz of my situation now.. i hate myself so badly.. i hate.. i hate.. n i REALLY mean this.. wat a life am goin thru? pretending.. stressful.. scaring.. annoyin.. terribly confused.. n SO DAMN SHITTY!!!! i jus wanna scream my lungs off...

imagine how u feel wen u feel like cheated? like reli fucked up rite?
especially by ur own sloth? well sloth din exactly cheat me.. i jus cant accept tis one....

u c, well v both gonna face the same damn prb wen it comes to our marriage thingy...
the damn BIG R... but v knw v r gonna haf prb... but sloth was sayin.. tat v all r waiting for jus one person's approval.. n tat is my pithaa... well all the time i felt like my side ppl r causing all ta prb... cuz pithaa is very fanantic.. bla bla bla bla n bla bla bla n bla bla... n i felt very smal cuz thinkin my ppl r the villain... n then sumhow after the ktm incident wen bro saw me wit sloth... things r knwn to all at home already... although ters is BIG NO.. ter wil b sum consideration n wil take time cuz its not sumthin ez to digest... in spite this prb i was kinda been pushed so much by sloth so tat il open tis matter back at home.. n so tat wil b a stronger issue for sloth to talk bout us back wit his family..

well tat sounds reasonable... but knowin my family's situation n attitude.. how on earth i can do tat rite now? especially the ktm incident n HELLOOOOOOOO im stil not done wit my studies... dumb me!!!\

how? n furthermore i gotta convince my family tat im not gonna convert.. bla bla bla.. n btw, my family has the greatest taboo for indians n tat R.
in spite of tat.. i still tot i can make tis happen he is my relative.

n all of a sudden... days back.. he told.. actually revealed tat he got bigger prb than i do.. even his parents.. granny.. relatives n bla bla n bla... n they way he said like its very diff for his family to digest me being his wife.. cuz of R.. well i tot im a human... dun u tink tat matters more than R..
he said too too much things at once.. til my whole body went so warm n i felt terrible.. he even said i got ego prb.. n im damn rude..sarcastic... n bla bla bla.. well im not denyin all tat.. i hardly talk in such manner to anyone.. if i do.. then im reli pist n cant digest the situation n talks...

after him sayin all these... n concluded n felt jus one thing... its impossible for both of us to get married.. even dreamin of marryin sloth.. wakakaka!

n al tis while i was havin hope tat i gotta convince my pithaa n the rest of the things is done by sloth... n al is family wants me to convert...


do u knw how stupid am i? well i very well knw my situation... my life... all ta things i want n dont in my life.. n YET i went against all those fucked up wishes n rule of my life.. n for ta 1st time i am confirmin myself as a declared SUCKER!
hats off to me...spit on me!

wer all this gonna end? oh yea.. i tot i had a heart.. its missin now...

im in a complete mess... my family hates me... sloth hates me... n soon everybody gonna hate me..

sloth kills me by sayin tat sloth is feelin lonely in spite im ter....

hell u bloody sloth!!! i told u fcukin many times... dun come.. its not like u think... n while the chattin era of our life... im always at home n dun n cant go out often... but now... he dun give a damn bout tat... its so diff for me to do sumthin.. but he expects alot on such tiny things n stil i cant do it... imagine how wud i feel.. gud as dyin... stil suprise tat im alive...

i wish i was single... at least i wil reli feel lonely than feelin lonely wen i haf sumone for me... i tot im the only person in the whole wide world tat is lonely but i haf found my soulmate who is facin the same prb..i hate my life... how come me... the sucker can console my life n lead n thinkin positively all of a sudden... n sloth dun... n he happens to b the great genius... god is laughin at my moronic acts!!

i wana vanish...

thurga ma.. help me to sort tis out.. plz ma... im losing... im so bored of losing all the time...


9:27pm,3rd april 2009

Coming Sudah!!

Astalavista… coming sudah… well it’s a mix feeling… too happy and yea scared…sad…confused.. semualah!!! Wat can I do?? I hate to be the cause for everything..
My sloth is gonna b here for me.. but I wonder those bad mouths gonna say bout it… HATE ALL OF HTEM>. . I feel very bad for sloth’s family… the darling of the family is gonna leave them but a gurl like me.., damn.. tat sounds very unpleasant.. but it’s a fact..

I dun wan anyone to haf a negative view on sloth… he is such a gem n all knw dat.. he dun disturb anyone… n I jus dun wan anyone of them to see him as a burden.. I hate him leavin his home during this time.. I hate he gotta b alone in a whole new world among strangers… TRUTH HURTS!!! N I hate to say tat its almost impossible for me to b with sloth almost all the time.. I want tat.. but I dunno how am I gonna manage.. leavin all to my durga ma… SHE knws the best… she is the almighty n make things better for me…


i reli wish the very best for my baby sloth.. he is the best of all...sweetheart like him deserves the best... n i wonder y me??? hope he is making the rite move... cant stop sayin that i got a gem like dat... my crude gem..

god bless sloth to the fullest.. love ya the most...

oh my oh my... got a new bro???? my mathinee oh mathinee.. got a new guy... isnts tat sound so kevalam??? i dunno how im expectin tis in cool manner... n she made everybody else to talk low bout everything.. EVEN BOUT MY RELIGION... tis is a fil crap of shit.. condemnin bout my religion.. wat the fuck the knw bout mine??? jus dat ppl convert.. tat so not make things clear tat ours is damn shitty... religion is all bout believin in it.. im so ashamed bout those creature who r converting... well if they see a change in their life.. then its too bad for those losers... how on earth they can blame on religion... curse on them!!! curse on urself!!!
its ok to be openminded bout everythin but u shud knw ur roots!!! wer u stand n wat r u... in the end.. dun die as a diff creature... tats now wat those who brought u up wan u to b in the end... show sum respect for the beings around u... those soul for u... be urself for rest of ur life.. change urself if u need a change.. but not ur roots... no matter what u r... frm wat family... status or religion.. a paraya will remain paraya for rest of his life... his child can marry the prince of any damn bloody country.. or the highest cast on the earth.. but in the end no one can change on ur very own roots... PARAYA... though u cant b proud of that.. at least be truthful to urself... hate those opportunist.. those asking to convert the others for sake of their own ppl n roots... shame on them!!! love them for wat they are.. or jus leave them... i reli mean this.. i feel pathetic n stupid of bout those creature who changed their roots for sake of another person... its hard to believe ppl made love sound like a business..

well i said much but i dun wanna end in the same way... i reli dun want too... god u knw the real me... n u knw wat am i here for.. dun lead me in a route wer i cant turn back... gimme brains to think hard n decide right...


WEDDING!!!! 3rd in the family... its a happy family things but LOTSA LOTSA CRISES.... hope it ends in a happy way... god u knw dat....

gosh!!! i shud be very happy bout my sloth!!! but current status... confused n stil cant accept the fact tat sloth is coming... im so not gonna believe tat till i see him for real... durga ma can u forgive me on tis??? im the cause for the whole entire family to b in a very sad painful situation... jus dat if i never came across... things wud haf been so smoothly.. plz make all tis beautiful in the end..


my slothish days.....

23:44pm, 14th,sept '08

welll feeling good...

haha... i went to tina's hs jus now... welll her bf, raymond... mom n 3 of her frens came over.. n she wants us( myself..thuba n vicky) to come...
as usual.. im so not interested but i jus wanted to b ter for her... so i did went... in my bestest behaviour... kumaran anna dropped me at thuba's place n frm ter.. v fetch vicky n v chaoed to tina's hs... haha.. she ways in saree...
her mom..devina n selwyn was ter.. n her future momma in law was ter too... a very neat n decent lookin punjabi... all the while ta only thing was goin is... BHANGRA!!

n yea v trio was bein really decent.. greeted her n sat quietly wit devina n chatted... well v waited for an hour.. n then tina's frens n bf came.. haha tat was so not unexpected.. well her bf looks good...got lil features of mr.seigar...
n ta frens... oh my god!!! pachai chaklees ler.. i felt like... oh no i dun wanna use those words... n all these while tina did say alot bout 'those'...
i reli wish she get rid of them.. for sure looks doesnt matter but attitude... wholly year...

well i din reli like one thing... well tina knws bout sloth.. thou i dun say much.. she knws things.. n this gurl told her entire family bout it... n the terrible part.. she revealed to her bf's mom in front of everyone...well its ok to let her knw.. but in taa 1st meetin??? n ta aunty was like... nowdays ar... everyone falls in love via internet without seein... (???) din reli like dat...
n then tina's mom was like.. wen r u gettin married? wen can i hear ta good news soon? n i start sweating.. i jus said soon.. n il let u knw...



i dun reli wanna elaborate that but im happy for tina.. i tink her bf's mom is reli nice... she shud b lucky thou... but i heard a statement made by tat aunty... i felt pretty weird...


my day was pretty fine... dad forced me to wake up early in ta mornin..held up wit lotsa chores... april n curly.. bathin them... well it was so diff thou..
n then lotsa visitors.. hardly had space to breathe...

its so borin being at home nowdays...so tiring as well... hate ta stupid feelin...
iza will b giving birth anytime.. happy for her...

need to study.. must get back to ta normal routine but sharaneshri is too adorable to b away frm her.. she's too cute... my very own niece.. i wan her to lead her life very well.

well i dun wanna start all again...

im missin sloth to ta maxx.... the everythin to me...
inda nda tau mcmane

( i jus got a call frm tina.. eew... its so eeeww... her frens r askin me to join them to sunway lagoon wit tina... me? hello? me... damn them..)

11pm.. 6/04/08

being foolish n duh!! hell me...

everybody around me is talkin bout karma.... eeww... its so arggghh!! cuz its true but y me? me the harmless me...


well at times.. we tend to act smart u knw... very the smart... n wanna poyo nak mampus... poyo poyo till we tink its kewl... but sumtimes its withouth intention... in short... THANX alot to myself to bring out the fool in myself... well nowdays.. specifically since beginnin of tis year.. i do feel im bein such a fool.. i reli cant or preferably dun wanna explain it out...

i totally agree wit u iza... sumtimes it feels like shit wen our so called precious or better knwn as 'personal' things got revealed... n we ourselves did it... its annoyin being a declared moron... i knw its wholly for myself.. one jerk gotta knw cuz i want ta jerk to knw tis.. but now all... not c... n now... though its nothin great... or important... im feelin so shitty doin it.. the typical me... regretting after been revealed by myself... its so shitty...

Q: am i at dumb?
A: absolutely...

well u knw.. we reli dun tend to haf a diff intention bout sumtin all the time.. n POOF!!!!!! wen we ourself bukakan it... we kinda get feelin tat... wat ta rest think bout tat... n tat confusion lyk feelin.. i reli hate it... y i did it? again its not a big deal... but i never let anyone knw bout it... even wen appa ask me... wat am i doin.. i do divert ta topic... n now i did it.. eww.. im feelin very the disgracful...

am i doin ta rite thingy? maybe im not good enuf? for.....
i dunno la.. feel so awkward... most times i tink y? y everythin happend? wil it go on further? for sure? how things gonna b? hate to repeat all this... but these seriously shitty matters do bug me all the time...am i pretendin to b ok? damn hate all tis...

im havin tis anger within myself... real big ball of anger n confusion... desprado.. a goody fren.. n truth hurts wen he say things out n he did...n im terribly confused thou i din tell all to him.. jus said ta general statement...
do i haf to trust? y am im being ultimately sensitive?
n y bein down to earth without realisin? y am i feelin weak? y's dat i dun stand for my reasonin? n the worst of all...y the hell im kept my big mouth shut wen i knw ta opp person is crappin the hell out of everythin n for sure i knw i can put all tat to a stop... n y am i not being like how desprado is at such sitution.. one thing bout desprado...too honest... n very the truth... n doesnt care bout anythin. n gotta a terrific self esteem...

well i do haf all tat.. but y its fadin at tat moment??? y cant i be ta real me at tat time? adakah saya dikaburi dgn kasih? feeling so terkabur...actually too terkabur... y's tat its so diff for me to accept thingys...
n y's tat i dont tell out apa yg goin on in my fikiran... alohai.. memang terganggu...

cemburu ke? sayake kanda? am i being so haloba ke? i rasa mcm i terlalu dngnya... kenapa dgn i? kenapa ditakdirkan mcmni? memalukan betul... i need mr.cycle now... so badly...
if i tell tis to desprado.. for sure he'l said.. this whole thingy is stupid n im another stupid to let knw... n then goes on...

hopin its all for the goody goodness... durga ma, is it u? tryin to make things rite? makin me realise things? or is it like u want me to learn ta hard way? u knw... well u do knw.. its so hard for me u knw... durga ma, u knw for sure.. for very the sure.. i totally cant accept things... like how ta usual thing... i cant ur mouth movin but in my mind.. it goes on like bla bla bla...
one big request frm u..ma, plz dun let me go thru ta hard way AGAIN... u knw..u r ta only one knw.. tat i HAD ENUF... simpatilah terhadap anak MU.. i prefer a clearer n not too late stuffs...
i feel like i cud change all now bout apa yg akan rasa? mungkin kanda sembuyikan sumtin dari dinda...

babi babi babi babi... so babi... can i go vanish again?

mood rite now:::: so bloody unhappy... confused.. worried... scared... dillemma...i wanna was dissappear...n yea... wanna sob so badly!!! too badly.. but surprisingly no tears... ta so called strong me... haha.. those were the days...not now.. too weak for anythin.. everythin..


oh btw... final year at pj sucks... too badly... well i dun haf much work.. but u knw... its geramly tough n diff... yet again i look so chilled... y again like dat? i shud b studyin actually... but im not doin it.. not at all... fikiran ku melayang jauh... not studyin.. not conc'in... not listenin... nothin is gettin into my head.. its terribly dangerous... i cant afford to screw tis times... i tink im diggin my own hole.. although i knw il b cremated... i knw everybody is waiting for tat.. if i flunk.. for sure lotsa tinks gonna arise.. frm sloth topic... to all... its ta pure appa thingy.. n yea gonna b speechless... shit.. i hate tat... n i dunno how.. iza is not ter to rescue...

dun u tink tat ta history is been repeated again??? yet to repeat actually...

i feelin like rewind certain episodes back again so tat i made a wiser decision...

mom n gopi anna needs me... im not ter wenever they wan me... hate tat too... wenever they need me.. im so in my own dreamland tat i dun wanna come out...
do i actually need all tis( actually by rite... tis tot shudnt b goin on my head)...
umayaal... y the hell u r not being straightforward? i got a damn feelkin tat this al gonna lead to sumthin shitty... plz dun tell me its u jai durga ma...
dunno wer i got all these guts... its diff for me to get time for myself n for sloth.. yet im gettin of ta norm... n not all happy bout it... for sure appa... gopi anna.. n yet im doin it... i cant believe it... me doin tat? the me? i dunno wat kinda strength im havin... i knw wat wil happen n yet goin on... im scared bout tat but still not bothered...


i seriously not makin things clearee but creating more confusion.... bla me...
y its like dat?
i reli wish i cudn write down exactly wats on my mind... but its not more private already.... bla me!

siamang betul!
i rest my case..........
WER TA HELL MY HEALER IS?

anyone... ppl out ter.. im terrible lookin for sumone wer i can express ta truth... desprado jerk... y the hell i cant talk to u wen i seriously need to tel things... n btw im lookin for sumone to replace tis crap after left ta country...


i reli need a makeover...seriously for my tots... get out of ta box...
stop being down to earth... i dun like certain comments.. but im so not in place to stand out for it... n y? i dunno y? b openminded... tink freely.. no restrictions..

shiats... i feel like sayin ta same crap over again....
i need a holiday... is pangkor is callin me? or cigar? or my camerons?? or sumwer outside my country... oh shit.. i totally broke for tat... too broke... but its ok..

oh shit..all of a sudden.. im feelin good!! ha? ha? me? i dunno... but jus dun feel like deleting all tat...
umayaal is made of a huge big ball of confusion yet i do come out of things temporary... y am i puttin on a mask sayin im alrite wit stuffs??? its so not me... hate taylor's college for tat.. u caused me for who am i rite now... i lost everythin cuz of u!

am i the rite person for sloth? is it like sloth deserves sumone better? n y am i tinkin of tis suddenly? sloth really needs me? everytime i talk to sloth.. tis is ta only thing goes one in my mind most times.. but i dunno y i tend not to conc bout it... but i dunno... am i tinkin like tis wholly cuz of me or desprado... hate u sumtimes to confuse me at these matters.. i knw i shud b strong but at times wen things arised to u is so sensible n at the time n atmosphere... yea its time to tink...alot... n the worst part wen few ppl sayin ta same matter jus dat in diff manner n tone... i reli gotta tink... i cant imagine more... to b honestly i reli dun wanna imagine... its awful...


or do i need sleep? cuz actually its been month since i had at least a solid 6hrs.. not ever 8 hrs sleep... y am i torturin myself? its so not me...n i shudnt b doin all this but im doin it...
aight for now... aum sakti! kootrayina...
1.35am on ta 6th april 08....

wat am i doin? need a break... rasa macam giler ler... u shud how shitty it feels wen kite tau ade org bace ni... macam kanda dinda... macam p*****!